27/01/25
Hiii ! I've been cramped in my room ALL DAY, missing lectures. I think I'm going insane. I guess this is my punishment. Sorry if this is a little bit incoherent, I just desparately need to get this out to someone, anyone. I honestly don't even have the energy to explain the entire situation. I have weeping eczema, which has been driving me crazy the past couple of days. Hopefully I am successful in booking an appointment tomorrow at 9am with my university medical centre. It's been crushing my confidence, especially now that I finally like someone new. All of a sudden, I care about how I am perceived and I feel guilty because I keep staring at the guy.
From pretty early on in my life, I've thought of myself as a bad person. Hence, I've always accepted the punishments I've received willingly. I'm not going to go into depth everything I've done, or the things I've gone through, but I was always okay with it. I accepted that, in my life, my punishment would be the lack of love I would receive. But now, I find that, maybe, I'm not okay with it, and perhaps I actually hate myself for being a bad person. Maybe, I do want love. I'm not really sure what to do. I'm not sure how to outwardly show that I want to be a good person. I'm not sure I want to be a good person. I don't know how to show emotion to other people, to prove that I deserve love. I used to be okay with that. I can't not be okay with that. I'm not sure I could cope.
It's not even that I try to not show emotion, it's that I actively try not to feel it. I'm reckless with other people's feelings now, and I'm inconsiderate. This is to avoid feeling sadness, guilt, and shame. I'm careless to convince myself I don't care. But what do I do when I feel it all crashing down upon me anyway? I don't really like who I've become. Wow, I can't believe I started this blog post with "Hiii !". This definitely took a turn. Sorry, I tried to be enthusiastic because I know this place has become quite depressing lately. But, this page is just a reflection of my inner thoughts, so. I should get ready for bed.
I don't want to though. I got feedback for assignment 5 of my computational module, I'm still at 100%. I just have to wait for my final project feedback. I could actually get 100% in an entire module. How crazy would that be? Oh shit I just remembered I have a worksheet due at noon tomorrow. I've done most of it, but I haven't submitted it yet. Ahh darn it. Okay, I need to go get ready for bed then since I need to get up early tomorrow. Thanks for listening.