22/09/25 - Physics, dating, and other humbling tales:
Hello! As I began setting up the page for this entry, I thought to myself, "What do I even have to say?". Then I remembered that I've been silent for 8 months, so I guess there's quite a lot. To conclude the ensuing saga in the previous entry, I got an appointment for the eczema, but it cleared away on it's own anyway. I actually ended up asking out the guy I liked, even though I literally had only seen him in lectures. I don't regret the action a single bit, but I do certainly regret the execution, but that's alright, at least I got some sort of practise in for when it actually matters. Perhaps I'll retell the story of when I nearly asked him out, a couple hours prior to when it actually happened, which felt like something out of a movie.
We were in the mathematics department. I was on the first floor, a sort of mezzanine gallery, waiting for our lecture to begin, looking down the balcony at the main lobby. It's quite a large hall. Then I noticed him (let's call him Michael) walk in with his friend. I had already decided that this day was when I wanted to ask Michael out. I had tried to catch him alone after our previous lecture hours prior, but I was unsuccessful. This was our final lecture of the day, so I thought this may be my last shot. His friend deicdes to our lecture theatre a few minutes early, and it takes me a moment to realise that Michael is now stood alone, towards the back of the lobby. Everyone is essentially crowded by the theatre door, by the entrance of the building, or by the seating area. These are all toward the front of the hall. I decided to go for it.
I start hurrying through the corridor, and race down the stairs, and that's when my heart starts to sink further into my chest as I realise I'm actually going for it. I'm on the ground floor, walking towards him. The distance between the stairwell and where he's stood is probably 10 metres. I make it around 6 metres, and everyone else is now behind me. I'm bee-lining towards him, and it's very obvious. Suddenly, out of buttfuck nowhere, his other friend comes out of a room opposite the lecture theatre, and starts heading towards him. I look at his friend. I can't ask him out now. I look back at Michael. Our eyes meet, he's watching me now. I make a complete fucking U-turn and scurry around the corner. I fall to the ground in a sort of crouch, with my hands on my head. Someone I know SPOTS ME and asks if I'm okay, and I just stand there, flustered, “Well… no, but, oh my god, well, ummm, oh my god.”
This moment makes me laugh whenever I think back on it though. Michael ended up coming to a Physics Society talk immediately after our final lecture. But with that scene in mind, I'm sure you can imagine how little finesse I wielded when I finally asked him out later that same day. Although, in the same week, I was asked out by a cute guy in the year above me. I fumbled that too though, unsurprisingly. I told a really unfunny story about staplers, yes, flipping stationery, that still makes me cringe. I just keep reminding myself that it's all good practise...
Moving on, I did actually end up scoring 100% in that module, which I was so proud of. Nice to know I've peaked in 2nd year. Exam season was such a mess though, I was so distracted by another guy (can you believe it?). I ended up with better grades than last year, scoring in the 80-85% range. I'm no longer convinced my grades are good enough for Cambridge, but that's okay, because I'm no longer interested in the MASt in Physics. I like their Scientific Computing CDT though... Oxford also have a very cool Quantum Technologies MSc, alongside very interesting PhD programmes, and I think I genuinely have a shot. I'm hoping to get a summer research project there, so that I'm set up for a solid application with an internal reference. I also switched to the 4-year MPhys course at my university, from the 3-year BSc.
So, I had a research internship over the summer with my university, working with their LHCb branch, meaning I spent the summer fucking around with some rare decay. That was pretty cool. I'm lying, it was so stressful, my supervisor was away in flipping Geneva, Switzerland, literally working at CERN for over half of my project length. I had to constantly battle with the notion that I wasn't working hard enough, and that my results were subpar. I think it was worthwhile, for sure, and in the end, after having an hour long meeting with my supervisor, he concluded that it was a particularly valuable experience that I had worked essentially independently for most of my project, and that the work I had done was ultimately useful to him. It only took 8 weeks, but once it was over, I could finally reflect back on my own work, and not feel ashamed of it all. I'm now currently working on my poster to present at a research showcase, and I'm actively content with what I have done.
Over the summer, I spent a lot of time with the guy I was fawning over during the exam season (let's call him Adam), and I think we're like.. together now? I'm not sure that's what I want though, honestly. He's so sweet, and lovely, and caring. But I'm not convinced our lifestyles are compatible. Sometimes I think I really like him, sometimes I don't. I want him to make more of an effort with my friends, but he doesn't really make an effort with people in general. It seems I'm his closest and sometimes only friend. I also keep having dreams about Michael, it's pretty weird. I think I need to get my shit together, because what the hell am I doing?
I also started reading a lot more, as that's one of Adam's only hobbies, and I think the Master and Margarita is one of my favourite novels now. I'm currently reading Anna Karenina, and I intend to keep a sort of diary as I read that, to ensure I really try to comprehend what I'm reading.
Term starts in two weeks, and I go back in one, and I'm honestly so excited. I've only been home for 3 weeks since my research project ended, but I'm so hyped. Anyway, I think I'm going to make lunch now, and perhaps go for a walk. I hope this hasn't been a drag to read. I'll write again.